By Jeff Gaudet
If you had the opportunity to play wide receiver for an NFL football team for a game, and the quarterback threw the ball to you 11 times, do you think you would make at least two receptions? I sure as shit know I would, and I ain’t the greatest of physical specimens.
I will touch on this later.
So, skeezers, I ended up eating my words in that Pittsburgh game last week, and it was a hell of a goddamned meal. Then I scarfed down a huge helping of turkey, potatoes, carrots, peas, tomato scallop, gravy and rolls. Heavens to Mergutroide, I was more bloated than an obese blue whale suffering from gigantism.
A gimped up Ben Roethlisberger threw for five touchdowns in a rout over my underdog pick, the Tennessee Titans. Other than that unfortunate outcome, I had me another solid week, going 3-1 straight up and against the spread, bringing my total over three weeks to 10-2 SU and 8-4 ATS. Gimme my props, more than Carrot Top gots, bitches. Doin’ purdy good, and I ain’t lyin’.
But I still haven’t scored that perfect week. My picks for this week are a lock, however. They’s gonna come through, I’d bet the farm on ‘em, just like I would on Ron Jeremy to beat Stephen Hawking and Terry Fox in a three-legged race. So here we goes, my homies and hoes…..
Pick #1: Baltimore Ravens (3-1) -7.5 vs. Houston Texans (3-2)
The Ravens are rested after their bye week, and coming off a 34-17 win over the New York Jets. Their defence gave a stellar performance in that game, forcing four turnovers and holding the Jets to 150 total yards of offence. The Texans lost at home last week to the surprising 3-2 Oakland Raiders, 25-20. Matt Schaub completed only 24 of 51 passes without star wideout Andre Johnson, who was and still is sidelined with a hamstring injury.
Jacoby Jones got the start in Johnson’s absence, and was targeted 11 times, but managed only one catch for 9 yards. Jacoby, dude, really? I actually heard that he caught hepatitis C from Pamela Anderson for a tenth of a second…….then he dropped it. Haha, yeahhh. Baltimore’s defence is first in the league in points allowed per game at 14, and second in rushing yards allowed per game at 72.5. Houston’s defence just lost their best player Mario Williams for the season with a torn pectoral muscle. I’m lookin’ into my crystal balls, and their tellin’ me Baltimore wins this game 31-20.
Pick #2: New Orleans Saints (4-1) -4.5 at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
The Saints orchestrated another fourth quarter comeback to push their winning streak to four in a row. The Bucs just got stomped 48-3 by the San Francisco 49ers, the largest margin of defeat in the franchise’s history. They put up only 272 yards and turned the ball over three times. Runningback LeGarrette Blount is doubtful with a sprained MCL, and defensive tackle Gerald McCoy is in a walking boot due to an ankle injury and will not go on Sunday. Before last week’s game, Tampa Bay had allowed 101 rushing yards per game with McCoy in the lineup. After he left, San Francisco tore them a new anus, hitting their hole for 213 yards on the ground.
Bucs quarterback Josh Freeman now has six interceptions this season, matching his total for all of last year. He had the second best touchdown-to-interception ratio last year, and currently holds the worst this year. The road team has won the last four games between these teams. New Orleans outscored the Bucs by a combined 69-13 tally in its last two games in Tampa Bay, with Brees passing for three scores in each. Saints, 40-27.
Pick #3: New York Jets (2-3) -6.5 vs. Miami Dolphins (0-4)
I’m gonna tackle another Monday Night Football game for my third pick. The Jets have lost three in a row this season, and three in a row to Miami. But the games they’ve dropped have been on the road, and have been at the hands of New England, Baltimore, and Oakland, all legitimate teams.
Now they are back home facing the winless Dolphins, who were already super shitty before they lost their starting quarterback Chad Henne last week to a separated shoulder. Matt Moore takes his place, who had a 55.6 passer rating with five touchdowns and 10 picks last year for Carolina.
Back to the Jets and losing streaks, in the last two seasons they have overcome similar setbacks only to end up in the AFC championship game. Also, they face San Diego, Buffalo and New England after this one, so this is a must win with them at a disappointing 2-3. I am thinking of dressing up as the Dolphins’ defense for Halloween, because they have been absolutely horrific, surrendering 414.5 yards per game. Mark “Dirty” Sanchez should put up mucho grande statisticos.
Speaking of him, I was checking out his photos from GQ Magazine last night at 3 a.m. at the end stage of a whiskey drunk. I must say that when I layed eyes on the one with him talking on the phone in tight white jeans and a striped T-shirt that was pulled up ever-so-slightly to expose a tidbit of his toned midriff, I instantly became fully engorged. Is that wrong? You be the judge. Jets, 27-10.
Upset Pick: Buffalo Bills (4-1) +2.5 at New York Giants (3-2)
The Bills are scoring an average 32.8 points a game and are coming off wins over trendy Super Bowl picks New England and Philadelphia. Their four wins have already matched the team’s total for all of last season.
The Giants were just embarrassed by the Seattle Seahawks at home, 36-25. Quarterback Eli Manning threw three interceptions in that loss. They lead the league in sacks so far, with 18. Buffalo leads the league in sacks allowed (just four), and interceptions for, with 12. Their total for all of last season was 11. New York’s run defense has been suspect thus far, and now they face the difficult task of attempting to keep the league’s third leading rusher, Fred Jackson at bay. They will fail, miserably. Bills, 37-31.
My record: Last week: 3-1 SU (straight up), 3-1 ATS (against the spread), Overall: 10-2 SU, 8-4 ATS
Have any comments, questions or hate mail? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org