By Jeff Gaudet
Sup y’all, Peffy G here. So, last week I went 3-1 picking winners and 2-2 against the spread. Not bad, but not too shit hot either. It was a quality week of football, with the majority of contests going down to the wire.
The only real blowout was dealt by the Baltimore Ravens who coincidentally were my eliminator pick in my fantasy league. Makes me wonder why I didn’t include them in last week’s segment. Whatever. Anyway, speaking of fantasy, my squad, “The Broners Of Turgidity” have blown out of the starting gate like a rocket-powered Donovan Bailey (in his prime) on PCP with his ass on fire. We’re on top of the league at 3-0 with the help of Drew Brees and Wes Welker, and are slap-happier than a shig in pit. Sorry, just had to get that out.
So, like I was saying, I did alright with my picks last week, but that ain’t not no kind of acceptable. I’m sure you agree with me when I say that anything but perfection is poo-fection. Let’s do this.
Pick #1: New Orleans Saints (2-1) -6.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
Expect another big day from Saints quarterback Drew Brees, who will have his number one receiving option Marques Colston back from injury. Colston posted six catches for 81 yards against the Green Bay Packers in week one, but was sidelined for the last two games with a broken collarbone.
When — not if — Brees throws his first touchdown this Sunday, he will have played 31 consecutive games with a passing score, which will move him past Dan Marino into second on the all-time list.
The Saints are averaging 34.7 points per game, while the Jags are at a dismal 9.6, ranking second-last in the league. The Saints high-powered offence should score early and often, allowing their hamster wheel-powered defense to key on the Jaguars runningback, Maurice Jones-Drew, and capitalize on rookie mistakes from Blaine Gabbert. I feel for that guy, I really do. His first start last week was in the pouring rain. In his second start, he’ll be sore…..and, um….in pain.
Pick #2: New York Giants (2-1) -0.5 at Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
The Giants have won two straight. The Cardinals have lost two straight. Eli Manning returns to the stadium in which he won Super Bowl XLII over the 18-0 New England Patriots and was given MVP honors.
He and the G-men are also coming off a huge upset win over division rival Philadelphia. Wide receiver Mario Manningham should be back from a concussion and two-time Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora hopes to reurn for the first time since having knee surgery in August. Go New York Footbal Giants.
Pick # 3: Atlanta Falcons (1-2) -4.5 at Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
Ok, I have to admit that I am not totally confident in this pick, and that I am basing it more on emotion than stats and trends. I’ve been a Falcons fan since I was a kid, and they abolutely NEED this win.
Next week they host the defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers, and if they can’t beat Seattle then they sure as shit don’t have a doughnut’s hope in Kirstie Ally’s cupboard to beat the Pack. If that is the case, my Dirty Birds’ll be 1-4 and all but out of playoff contention.
I just can’t see that happening, after finishing first in the NFC last year before getting destroyed by the aforementioned Packers in the playoffs. To win this week, they need to re-establish the run (248 yards rushing in the first two weeks, 30 last game) and learn how to pass block (QB Matt Ryan has been sacked 13 times thus far).
I am confident runningback Michael Turner will return to form and coach Mike Smith will address the offensive line problems enough to allow Ryan to make some big plays downfield. On the flip-side, Seattle’s Tarvaris just doesn’t have the skills to be a starter in the NFL, and Marshawn Lynch is averaging just 3.1 yards a carry. Atlanta’s struggling defense should be able to avoid getting turked. Falcons by a touchdown.
Pick # 4, Upset Special: Detroit Lions (3-0) +0.5 at Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
Well, the Lions pulled out the win for me last week, rallying from a 20-0 halftime defecit to win 26-23 in overtime, though they were a point shy of covering the spread. Greasy bastards.
Still, I’m rollin’ with ‘em again this week. As I predicted last week, they got off to their best start in 31 years. As I am predicting this week, they will get off to their best start in 55 years ( they began 6-0 in 1956). I also predict that I personally will get off watching it happen. There’s just something gratifying about seeing a team that has shat the bed for so many years finally have some success. Unless, of course, you are a Packers, Bears or Vikings fan.
I am doubling down on my upset pick, once again taking a road team in Dallas. Last week I chose Washington as my underdog, who fell to the Cowboys 18-16 on kicker Dan Bailey’s six field goals, though they did still cover the spread. This figures to be a close one, with Dallas’ last nine games being decided by three points or less. For all you Pro-line players, a tie is a good possibility.
Lucky for me though, the Lions just have to win. Stafford, Johnson and company should be brimming with confidence after that unlikely come-from-behind victory, and Romo and his C-boys are still ailing.
Here’s hoping for 4-0. Time for me to have a beer and a smoke. See ya next week, schmeckels.
Last Week: 3-1 Straight Up, 2-2 vs. the Spread
Any questions, comments, or hatemail? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org